Have you ever had an uncomfortable situation with a guy because you read more into what he said and he didn’t just come out and correct you? Several years ago I saw a question on a website (I forget which) and saved it because I wanted to answer it myself with a Tia spin. I present it below and will credit the original source once I’m able to.
What he asked:
We’ve both been married before and are in a long distance relationship. I’d always told her I’m not keen on getting married again but we saw each other last weekend we had a great time and back home afterwards on the phone somehow it came up and I softened my stance. I didn’t exactly propose, but I responded this time saying I could probably try marriage again sometime in the future. Next thing you know she was talking wedding plans, date, the whole shebang. Now I’m wondering, ”What did I just do?” I just want to go back in time! How can I fix this without losing our relationship?- Chris C.
What I’d respond:
I’m not sure you can, but try you must or else you and eventually this lady will be very unhappy and resentful. This is a problem that must be dealt with now before it snowballs into something bigger. Gently convey that in the heat of the moment you threw caution to the wind, but in reality you have not overcome your strong misgivings about remarriage. Explain tactfully that you did not propose to her. Try to explain the emotion that made you consider it for that brief minute, so she understands where you were coming from and perhaps can trust you again. Make sure you actually use the phrase “I’m sorry” a few times. ( Men underestimate the power of those two little words with women).
The good news is that after this, if she chooses to continue the relationship it’s with the knowledge she may be with you for a variety of reasons but eventually becoming Mrs. C won’t be one of them. That’s not to say she won’t keep hope alive in the back of her mind, but at least then it wouldn’t be your fault.
This is Tia’s Truth in action
That would be my answer to him, but this question is a great example of Tia’s Truth-guys may actually end up breaking your heart to avoid your disappointment. You see how he let her go on talking about the wedding, unsure how to put the horses back into the stable. He probably wasn’t sure how to burst her wedding bubble without destroying the relationship part of it. Guys know this will open the door to an uncomfortable discussion about “so then, where is this going”? or “I’m good enough for X, but not for Y?” What?
Even if you’re living together, it doesn’t necessarily mean marriage is on his agenda with you. (See this post).
Remember what he said: ” I responded by this time saying I could probably try marriage again sometime in the future.”
This is him talking hypothetically. And in my experience, a man’s hypothetical answer and his answer in a real life situation may not be identical.
This is why I don’t like the idea of women doing the proposing. He might say yes to spare you embarrassment, but that’s not really where his heart is at. Same thing with falling pregnant accidentally-on-purpose. If you’re a long time girlfriend and there’s been no marriage talk, try this instead.
With men, clear communication is a must! Resist the delicious urge to connect his dots.
Unless you’re 100% sure he wants to marry you
Of course there’s always an exception to every rule. Sometimes when it’s crystal clear you both see your future the same way, it might not be that big of a deal to be the one to pull the trigger. Author John Molloy, of “Why Men Marry Some Women But Not Others”, found that at times men could be so dense, they really did need their girlfriends to make it clear that it was time for the next step. While they didn’t go to the extent of proposing, once the relationship was ripe enough, they spoke clearly and plainly about their desire for marriage, then sat back to watch for his next move.
And if I wasn’t married, I’d probably go that route. Because I’d always wonder: “Would he have ever done it himself?”
So tell me, what are your thoughts on women doing the proposing?
Till next week,