I’m excited to share some big news-the audiobook for ‘Dating on Purpose:an Illustrated Guide to Intentional Dating is now available!
If you’re like me, your life is scheduled to the max. The only time you can actually read book-books is on vacation. Well now you can multitask and read the book, or rather, have the delightful @angiesvoice read it to you while you’re on the treadmill.
And guess what else?
Because this is after all, an illustrated handbook, everyone who purchases the audiobook will also get the PDF version for free! That way you won’t miss out on the pictures, charts and graphs!
What charts and graphs, you say? Isn’t this a dating book?
Well, how else would you understand about the Totem Pole of Communication Effort if you couldn’t see it? How would you be able to tell if your relationship has legs if there was no chart on Relationship Progression vs. Time? How would you know what pops into a man’s head vs. a woman’s head when the phrase “amazing chemistry” is thrown out there?
Like they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.
In honor of National Girlfriends’ Day 2017, I’m going to give you 3 reasons why girl bffs rock.
I always hear young women talking about how their SO is their best friend. Perhaps they do everything together. Wow. Fantastic.
I’m happy for them, but I want to assure the rest who don’t have that combo boyfriend-best friend package that there’s no cause for alarm, and it can actually better if you’ve got a female BFF who really gets and supports you. In fact, I’ll give you 3 reasons why girl bffs rock.
Girl BFFs possess superior Skills in Discussion Empathy
Women know when you call them all upset, you just need someone to vent to. They support your rant with well-timed snorts, “can you imagine!” and general acknowledgement of the abundant ingratitude of men and craziness of this world. This empathy and support is what gives the Vent its therapeutic properties.
They understand they’re not necessarily supposed to solve the problem for you, just hear you out.
A female bestie knows she may hear this same rant several times and is usually okay with that as long as it gets shorter each time.
Girl BFFs care more about the things you care about
Go ahead and take your male BFF shoe shopping. He’s going to give you crappy advice because he wants to hurry up and he really doesn’t know any better. Most of them don’t have the same degree of interest as you in things you usually need opinions on…which office holiday party outfit has just the right amount of zing, but not too much? “They’re both fine, let’s go, babe”.
Guys don’t want to hurt your feelings so they’re not gonna confess that dress DOES make you look fat when you’re trying to look your best. (Especially if you went off on him last time he made that mistake). Really, can you blame him?
Girl BFFs have Boss Storytelling Skills
Girls know how to tell a story! If you can’t make it to the party, she’s the one that will really tell you what you missed. Guys are all about facts while we’re all about the nuance and detail. Our recaps are like a screenplay- you feel like you were there. It’s so good you sometimes tell them to wait till you have a full uninterrupted 10 minutes to listen because details are important and must be respected!
Here’s an example.
Male Best Friend: “I hear Michael (our married friend who fathered a son when he was a teenager but denied it was his) has finally accepted paternity of his son. The boy is 17 now.”
Female Best Friend: “Really? Does it have to do with the fact that the boy’s mom died last year? I hear she had cancer. Does the boy live with them now? Has Michael taken over paying for the private school his mom had him in? Is Michael’s wife nice to him?”
Male Best Friend: “Whoa! Slow down! I didn’t ask him all that! What’s important here is that Michael now accepts paternity.”
Female Best Friend: “What’s important? What’s important?”*in her head* Runs down her list of female mutual friends that know Michael and might be privy to the mountain of missing information. Her male BFF has left her with more questions than answers. She has been left conversationally unsatisfied. Don’t you just hate that?
Not unless you believe you’re a fish and men are bicycles!
This feminist slogan from the 1960’s shows what many young women grapple with concerning feminism today. They like to think of themselves as strong and empowered and feel a sense of shame that deep down they’d like to have a boyfriend. Are they really… traitors to the sisterhood?
You may hear loud voices in the feminist media saying if you consider yourself strong and empowered, you really only need men to make babies. Just because they’re loud, doesn’t mean they speak for you. Take advice from people who are where you want be!
What if you don’t just want a boyfriend, but a husband?
That’s fine too. No one should feel guilty about their desire for an enduring companionship recognized by law. Same sex couples recently fought and won this right because of their strong belief in the rights and benefits conferred by marriage. They wanted to be able to put a ring on it!
One of the most famous American feminists, Gloria Steinem got married at 66. She felt quite comfortable doing so, stating that the institution of marriage had come a long way, becoming a lot fairer to women. Issues she had spent her life in the service of. It makes sense, right? I mean if I make my living building chairs, does it mean I can’t buy a table? And maybe *gasp* use them together because they compliment each other?
Now you know this a judgment free zone I have to add a caveat:
Own this desire. Work on fulfilling it, but don’t hold your life hostage to it.
It’s ok to desire the sense of protection from another, but develop the skills to support yourself financially. Some women are shackIed in relationships because leaving would render them homeless. What would the suffragettes say? That’s not strong or empowered. Especially in these modern times.
Own the desire, but don’t be a slave to it. As I’ll explain later, you’ve got to be able to assert yourself with men to get the quality relationship you want.
Your life doesn’t start “for real” when you’re in a relationship or married. Your life is now. Start living for you. Do the things you’ve been meaning to do, but be intentional about carving out time to meet guys.
If you want a relationship you’ve got to intentionally carve out time to socialize where you’ll meet new people, even if you’re busy. #balance.
Start intentionally dating sooner than later.
Because another messy truth is there are more guys checking for you when you’re younger. Put off dating with purpose too long, and your dating pool will be sparser. And less attractive. Once you know you want to be married, you’re much more likely to find the right person when you start to date intentionally, regardless of your age or where your career is. And what’s more, juggling a career with dating is great practice for juggling a career with a husband and kids. Kids you can raise to treat women with fairness and respect.
So get out this weekend and meet new people. In real life. Remember, people have fought for the right to be married. If you want it, own it and start dating with purpose!
Have you ever had an uncomfortable situation with a guy because you read more into what he said and he didn’t just come out and correct you? Several years ago I saw a question on a website (I forget which) and saved it because I wanted to answer it myself with a Tia spin. I present it below and will credit the original source once I’m able to.
What he asked:
We’ve both been married before and are in a long distance relationship. I’d always told her I’m not keen on getting married again but we saw each other last weekend we had a great time and back home afterwards on the phone somehow it came up and I softened my stance. I didn’t exactly propose, but I responded this time saying I could probably try marriage again sometime in the future. Next thing you know she was talking wedding plans, date, the whole shebang. Now I’m wondering, ”What did I just do?” I just want to go back in time! How can I fix this without losing our relationship?- Chris C.
What I’d respond:
I’m not sure you can, but try you must or else you and eventually this lady will be very unhappy and resentful. This is a problem that must be dealt with now before it snowballs into something bigger. Gently convey that in the heat of the moment you threw caution to the wind, but in reality you have not overcome your strong misgivings about remarriage. Explain tactfully that you did not propose to her. Try to explain the emotion that made you consider it for that brief minute, so she understands where you were coming from and perhaps can trust you again. Make sure you actually use the phrase “I’m sorry” a few times. ( Men underestimate the power of those two little words with women).
The good news is that after this, if she chooses to continue the relationship it’s with the knowledge she may be with you for a variety of reasons but eventually becoming Mrs. C won’t be one of them. That’s not to say she won’t keep hope alive in the back of her mind, but at least then it wouldn’t be your fault.
This is Tia’s Truth in action
That would be my answer to him, but this question is a great example of Tia’s Truth-guys may actually end up breaking your heart to avoid your disappointment. You see how he let her go on talking about the wedding, unsure how to put the horses back into the stable. He probably wasn’t sure how to burst her wedding bubble without destroying the relationship part of it. Guys know this will open the door to an uncomfortable discussion about “so then, where is this going”? or “I’m good enough for X, but not for Y?” What?
Even if you’re living together, it doesn’t necessarily mean marriage is on his agenda with you. (See this post).
Remember what he said: ” I responded by this time saying I could probably try marriage again sometime in the future.”
This is him talking hypothetically. And in my experience, a man’s hypothetical answer and his answer in a real life situation may not be identical.
This is why I don’t like the idea of women doing the proposing. He might say yes to spare you embarrassment, but that’s not really where his heart is at. Same thing with falling pregnant accidentally-on-purpose. If you’re a long time girlfriend and there’s been no marriage talk, try this instead.
With men, clear communication is a must! Resist the delicious urge to connect his dots.
Unless you’re 100% sure he wants to marry you
Of course there’s always an exception to every rule. Sometimes when it’s crystal clear you both see your future the same way, it might not be that big of a deal to be the one to pull the trigger. Author John Molloy, of “Why Men Marry Some Women But Not Others”, found that at times men could be so dense, they really did need their girlfriends to make it clear that it was time for the next step. While they didn’t go to the extent of proposing, once the relationship was ripe enough, they spoke clearly and plainly about their desire for marriage, then sat back to watch for his next move.
And if I wasn’t married, I’d probably go that route. Because I’d always wonder: “Would he have ever done it himself?”
So tell me, what are your thoughts on women doing the proposing?
I know people enjoy video content so I’m dipping my toes in the water. Please comment on it and share! Do you have a question you’d like to ask? What kind of content would you like to see? Let me know in the comments or email me at Tia at TiaTruthteller dot com. I won’t be putting up new ones every week so subscribe to my new YouTube channel to get alerted when there’s a new one!
Hi guys, hope you enjoyed your 4th of July! Did you fire up the grill or watch fireworks?
I hosted a little gathering with family and a few friends. I met a lovely young woman who explained just how she knew it was time to give her ex-boyfriend the boot. It was a case study in how to let your self love guide you like a compass so you can get what you deserve out of relationships. Her story covered 3 things to consider about breaking up or not. I’ll give you the highlights of her story.
Her ex pulled the carpet out from under her
While she’d been applying to get into professional school, he was supportive-until she got accepted! His attitude became so negative and she asked him why. He’d been with her all along this journey, right? Why wasn’t he happy for her? He confessed that he hadn’t thought she’d actually make it in. Hmmmph. Okay.
He said if they got married, he didn’t want her working because he made enough for them both. It was a lot to process. How long had he felt this way? Why hadn’t he spoken up before? Wasn’t it rather shortsighted to assume he’d always be able to bring in the money he did now? It was all too much.
She consulted trusted relationship mentors
Sometimes it takes a big red flag to make you respect the smaller ones you’ve noticed before. She recalled other incidents that reflected his disregard for her opinion, her time, her value. That same week, other events occurred that sealed her decision-homeboy would have to go.
Losing him meant losing his amazing family
Now, his family was amazing and she had a great relationship with them. She felt she owed it to them to say goodbye, so to speak. His mom wasn’t happy, but totally understood. She’d been in a similar position early in her own marriage except her husband showed flexibility in supporting her career. Good a thing, too because at one point she became the primary breadwinner for the family. His mom told her “He’s my son, you’re my daughter” and that made her feel better about the breakup. Interesting how his parents got it, but he didn’t. Why oh why couldn’t he be more like his parents!
What she learned that I pass onto you
Pay attention to the red flags-deciding to pull the plug wasn’t an easy choice to make, but she said she felt the same way God brought her this guy, he’d bring her someone else.
2. Be choosy about where you get your advice from-people speak from within their experience and worldview, so this makes sense. She said in matters of long term relationships, she seeks advice from others in successful, happy marriages.
Seek quality advice from someone who’s been where you want to go via GIPHY
3.Don’t ignore your inner feelings because his family is awesome! I’ve heard this from other women too. The parental influence only goes so far. You have to just accept that he’s his own person and not a cookie cutter version of them. Yes, it sucks!
What guides you in your break up decisions? Share in the comments!
As you probably know by now, my book, “Dating on Purpose: an Illustrated Guide to Intentional Dating for Commitment-Conscious Millennials” is out! When you’re tired of dating in circles and want to know what a good woman has to do to get a real relationship around here, this is the book you get. Because it’s important we’re all on the same page (excuse the pun!), I’ve put together this incomplete “Dating on Purpose” glossary. We’ll probably add more phrases with time. If you’ve been reading the blog a while, you might be familiar with many of them already. Let’s go!
Dating with a mindset that attracts and filters for marriage material. When you’re tired of go-nowhere relationships and want something with potential.
Where you develop the confidence and self-protectio to assert and defend your personal boundaries by speaking up for yourself. If something isn’t cool with you – you say so. This also demonstrates your value.
When someone builds their entire life around a romantic partner, blowing off friends and activities outside that person. Leads to relationship dependency and stagnation. And angry friends.
When you pull away from a relationship. Your partner’s actions or inactions will then show you where you stand. Helpful in cases where a man is blowing hot and cold with mixed messages or you’ve asked the “what are we doing question” but haven’t really understood or been satisfied with whatever response you got.
When our minds fast-forward through the dating phase and imagine what it would feel like to be “Mrs. X.” We all do it, but if not done with finesse, it can make beginnings that don’t go anywhere more traumatic then they have to be.
The Movie in your Head (a Future Fantasy Film Production)
Prolonged Futurethinking can produce a movie trailer of our future married life which runs through our heads. It’s based on the romantic comedies we love and always has a happy ending.
Sometimes we ignore not-so-positive signals he’s giving us because we really prefer the Movie in Our Heads.
A situation where you might be offering girlfriend benefits, but are not claimed or regarded as such.
Blocking your Market
This is when you let men who can’t give you the commitment you want sabotage your chances with others. This includes cuddle buddies, friends with benefits, and exes that could pass as something more to an outsider looking in.
A virtual relationship that exists only through texting. It can block your market by making you unavailable to real life possibilities or by being the unattainable standard by which you compare the guys you meet in real life. MTV’s show “Catfish” brings us a parade of the worst case scenario of textationships.
Go-Nowhere Relationship Magnets
Things that keep you in relationships that aren’t going anywhere fast. e.g. married men, promise rings on women over 22, co-owned property like pets and washing machines (true story).
When a relationship moves up the Commitment Stairway to the next level of commitment.
The levels are Friend, Girlfriend, Fiancee and Wife.
Our feminine tendency to overanalyze communications. Useful when dealing with women, but it goes into overdrive when we try to uncover the “actual” meanings of a man’s words. Can lead to insecurity, unhappiness and sometimes drama.
Inappropriate Brain Preoccupation (IBP)
When your head has been allowed to soak in a marinade of trivia about a man you’re not yet in a real relationship with. Possible ingredients in this man-marinade are his texts and messages, his social media stream, and other tidbits sourced by your cyberstalking. At its extreme, it’s called obsession.
I think that’s enough for now! When you read the book, please comment and tell me what phrase resonated the most with you. And if you know some of these by another name, let me know in the comments.